mentoz (mentoz) wrote,

wow, it's been a long time

is anybody out there?

i think it's been 2 years since i've made a public post on this thing and over a year since i've made a private one .. i think it's time to start again .. i'm going through an incredibly significant and stressful time in my life and want to document my thoughts and feelings as i'm sure there will be great lessons to be learned from all of this, lessons which may be forgotten if not documented or may not be apparent until re-read years later .. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i think writing will be useful.

for the time being i'm going to use this primarily as a self-help, self-reflection, self-development tool and less as a log of my activities.

i have changed so much over the last few years .. i look back on my old journal entries and realize that i have grown up so much .. and faster than i ever expected or wanted to .. i owe much of it to medical school and my relationship with Z .. things would have been easier if i could have dealt with each separately at different times in my life (and i honestly believe if that were the case, Z would have been a non-issue), but compounded it was inevitably distressing and 200x more difficult .. and add "completely on her own in a new state" on top of that, i can't even begin to explain what an arduous journey it was for me .. maybe in another entry .. but for many reasons, i'm extremely proud of myself for everything that i've accomplished and learned without any net below to catch me when i fell.

i identify myself as a woman and not as a girl .. a lot of what i used to believe has changed .. and i think i've suffered through so much more pain, anguish, disappointment, shame, guilt, and despair in the last 2 years than in my entire lifetime .. any other negative emotion that you can think of, i've felt it .. and all of that is definitely going to change someone or at least teach her to be a survivor.

all within the same year, i ended an emotionally abusive and completely co-dependent relationship after 3 long and painful years .. together with another friend, and later with the family, made the decision to withdraw life support on one of the bestest friends i've ever had and will ever have (really THE most special person i've ever known) .. was preyed upon by a good and married(!) friend who i trusted, admired, and respected more than so many people i knew .. was sexually and physically harassed by another medical student from Canada who i was forced to share an apartment with during my Family Medicine rotation in Salinas .. hurriedly tried to put the pieces of my life back together in time to salvage what was left of the opportunities i had in med school and apply for residency .. (i mean, honestly, there is no time for healing .. or for ANYTHING in med school) .. i mean, i could go on and on .. but i'm really proud of myself for ending something that was so hard to end (b/c it obviously took 3 years to end it) when i thought that i couldn't handle something so painful while in medical school, after giving up so much and having so little left .. but, i did it. and i got through it. and surprisingly, due to God's good graces, found myself in the company of the most amazing friends i've ever come across in my life (and i must say i already had some amazing friends) .. those friendships really got me through it all. i can't bear to think of what would've happened if i found myself all alone after all of that.

a part of me now is so distraught with the idea that my 3 best girl friends must part ways as residency takes us in different directions and to different institutions .. they have been there for me through my darkest times and most difficult struggles, and it was so comforting to know that i had friends who completely understood everything i was going through because they were going through the same things themselves .. and they really understood what utter hell i was in given that i had many more things to overcome on top of what we were all dealing with. they never judged. they never acted like they knew better. they really understood how bad things were and only supported me and cared about me. i find it amazing - the depth of understanding and connection that you can have with another human being .. and i've been so fortunate to have that with so many of my friends .. not only could i bare my soul to these people, but they could understand and embrace it .. it's really one of the most beautiful things about humans.

returning to my fear of the future, i don't want to do this all again. to start another program in another new state completely alone, having to make new friends and create a new life. it was so stressful the first time around, and even though i know i can do it, i don't want to .. most ppl have never packed up and started a new life completely on their own without a significant other, friends, or family .. and let me tell you, it is fucking hard, especially when you're in medicine and you need the support.
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