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Saturday, October 11th, 2008

Time:12:07 am.
honestly i'm surprised that i'm still in one piece after everything that's happened (and i didn't even mention everything) .. that i still know how to love and have compassion for others .. that i still feel happy ... that i can still enjoy my life despite how hard or how sad it's been. one of the many things that's different now is that i do not trust men, not even 0.001% of me does. and i think that's a good thing.
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Thursday, October 9th, 2008

Subject:wow, it's been a long time
Time:12:21 pm.
is anybody out there?

i think it's been 2 years since i've made a public post on this thing and over a year since i've made a private one .. i think it's time to start again .. i'm going through an incredibly significant and stressful time in my life and want to document my thoughts and feelings as i'm sure there will be great lessons to be learned from all of this, lessons which may be forgotten if not documented or may not be apparent until re-read years later .. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i think writing will be useful.

for the time being i'm going to use this primarily as a self-help, self-reflection, self-development tool and less as a log of my activities.

i have changed so much over the last few years .. i look back on my old journal entries and realize that i have grown up so much .. and faster than i ever expected or wanted to .. i owe much of it to medical school and my relationship with Z .. things would have been easier if i could have dealt with each separately at different times in my life (and i honestly believe if that were the case, Z would have been a non-issue), but compounded it was inevitably distressing and 200x more difficult .. and add "completely on her own in a new state" on top of that, i can't even begin to explain what an arduous journey it was for me .. maybe in another entry .. but for many reasons, i'm extremely proud of myself for everything that i've accomplished and learned without any net below to catch me when i fell.

i identify myself as a woman and not as a girl .. a lot of what i used to believe has changed .. and i think i've suffered through so much more pain, anguish, disappointment, shame, guilt, and despair in the last 2 years than in my entire lifetime .. any other negative emotion that you can think of, i've felt it .. and all of that is definitely going to change someone or at least teach her to be a survivor.

all within the same year, i ended an emotionally abusive and completely co-dependent relationship after 3 long and painful years .. together with another friend, and later with the family, made the decision to withdraw life support on one of the bestest friends i've ever had and will ever have (really THE most special person i've ever known) .. was preyed upon by a good and married(!) friend who i trusted, admired, and respected more than so many people i knew .. was sexually and physically harassed by another medical student from Canada who i was forced to share an apartment with during my Family Medicine rotation in Salinas .. hurriedly tried to put the pieces of my life back together in time to salvage what was left of the opportunities i had in med school and apply for residency .. (i mean, honestly, there is no time for healing .. or for ANYTHING in med school) .. i mean, i could go on and on .. but i'm really proud of myself for ending something that was so hard to end (b/c it obviously took 3 years to end it) when i thought that i couldn't handle something so painful while in medical school, after giving up so much and having so little left .. but, i did it. and i got through it. and surprisingly, due to God's good graces, found myself in the company of the most amazing friends i've ever come across in my life (and i must say i already had some amazing friends) .. those friendships really got me through it all. i can't bear to think of what would've happened if i found myself all alone after all of that.

a part of me now is so distraught with the idea that my 3 best girl friends must part ways as residency takes us in different directions and to different institutions .. they have been there for me through my darkest times and most difficult struggles, and it was so comforting to know that i had friends who completely understood everything i was going through because they were going through the same things themselves .. and they really understood what utter hell i was in given that i had many more things to overcome on top of what we were all dealing with. they never judged. they never acted like they knew better. they really understood how bad things were and only supported me and cared about me. i find it amazing - the depth of understanding and connection that you can have with another human being .. and i've been so fortunate to have that with so many of my friends .. not only could i bare my soul to these people, but they could understand and embrace it .. it's really one of the most beautiful things about humans.

returning to my fear of the future, i don't want to do this all again. to start another program in another new state completely alone, having to make new friends and create a new life. it was so stressful the first time around, and even though i know i can do it, i don't want to .. most ppl have never packed up and started a new life completely on their own without a significant other, friends, or family .. and let me tell you, it is fucking hard, especially when you're in medicine and you need the support.
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Saturday, July 29th, 2006

Time:5:49 pm.
15 yo girl and her mom asked my preceptor if i could be their doctor instead of him .. i was surprised and very honored. too bad it'll be a long time before that will ever happen.
been kinda jaded cuz some residents and nurses and attendings be gettin' on my damn nerves.
must remember the patients.
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Sunday, April 16th, 2006

Time:7:33 pm.
why are we here?
and why weren't we here a million years ago?
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Wednesday, April 5th, 2006

Time:4:18 pm.
uhm, studying for the boards is overwhelming and exhausting.
they say this exam makes the MCAT look like a little bitch .. that it will be the hardest exam i'll ever take, blah blah.
sitting and studying is really, really bad for my problematic tailbone.
*sigh* life sucks. SUCKS i tell ya!
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Monday, March 20th, 2006

Time:6:40 pm.
there is something really fugly about carmen electra's face and i just can't put my finger on it ..
she looks like a tranny ..

is it her eyes? too small? close-set? thin upper lip? help me out here ..

and keira knightley .. what is it about her smile that makes me shudder?

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Sunday, March 19th, 2006

Subject:yo J!
Time:1:39 pm.
where are youuuuuuu?
i called u yesterday ..

anyhoo, yesterday was a beautiful day .. scratched studying and went down to santa cruz to surf .. you missed a great day of surfing J!!!! ah wells .. i'm sure you've had more fun than me this week ..

it's official. school is out. boards is in. time to study like i've never studied before.
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Monday, March 13th, 2006

Time:12:11 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
fucking Sallie Mae .. what the fuck were they thinking hiring people who have heavy accents .. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE SAYING TO ME. TRANSFER ME TO SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT INTERESTED IN DISCUSSING A $100K LOAN WITH SOMEONE I FUCKING CANNOT UNDERSTAND!!!!
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Wednesday, March 8th, 2006

Subject:this is gonna cost me
Time:4:50 pm.
running up the stairs
broke my fall with Spot
Spot = my new Powerbook G4
i broke him
i broke him bad
real bad
poor Spot
the injury left him with right homonymous hemianopsia
(the screen is cracked, and he can no longer visualize the right side of the world)

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Wednesday, January 25th, 2006

Time:9:54 am.
is it too early in my medical education to already be cynical, annoyed, frustrated, pissed, and sick of it all?
why is it that doctors who know how to keep it real are a minority?
why is it that most doctors have complexes, personality disorders, and huge huge ego trips?
why is it that most of these people don't really give a shit about anything but themselves and feign an interest in community health or international health or whatever the hell they can put on their CV?
for a place like my school, where they have a reputation of being pretty caring, liberal, and touchyfeely, i'm pretty aghast by the amount of egocentric people that i've met who love to fake nice.
seriously, this isn't what medicine should be about.
maybe this is what i get for going to a top school. cocky weirdos abound. gawd, can't these goons keep it real??
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Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

Subject:perfect day
Time:5:12 pm.
the sun was out .. the waves were perfect .. the cove wasn't crowded ... AND i got to try out my new wetsuit .. 100% high grade titanium lined, 100% fluid seam weld, super stretch neoprene, and ultra flexible .. it keeps me so warm that i look forward to the times when a bit of water trickles down into my suit from the neck (which isn't often enough) .. body glove, guys, body glove .. best wetsuits for ice cold water .. best part? i got it on sale for $130 when it's originally priced at $315 .. and after having worn about 5 different suits valued around $150-250, i can say that this suit is worth $315 .. but thankfully i didn't have to pay it!

and the BEST news?? I KICKED ASS ON THAT @#(*$&#@(&*&%@#! TEST I TOOK LAST NIGHT! damn that exam was one of the hardest we've ever taken.
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Sunday, November 20th, 2005

Time:3:44 pm.
i once knew this boy .. his name is fernando .. one day, he called me while i was in the library .. on my way out of the library, to escape the glares and hisses, the call was dropped .. since the face of my poor phone is broken, i could not return the call. sadly enough, this boy i once knew did not call back.

if anyone knows this person, pls direct me to where and how i can contact him (:
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Monday, November 14th, 2005

Time:7:37 pm.
we drove around the Presidio Bluffs and found a secret place on the cliff along the south shore of the Golden Gate Bridge to have a little picnic (pictures of the view from the spot to come) .. I spotted a surfer descending from one side of the cliff, and we decided to hike towards his direction to see where the surf break was .. we ended up finding a new surf spot as well as a beautiful trail which we decided to take .. we ended up on a clifftop and had an incredible urge to sing Queen's "we are the champions" .. we exploded in song and then after exhaustion, sat down to meditate .. the sun was setting to our left, the moon was out on our right .. it was amazing.

when we got home, we were preparing to study but accidentally scored DCFC tickets an hour before the show ... i was secretly more excited to see the Stars open for them, but Death Cab's show RockeD .. today we took a nap to DCFC's album Plan which my bro got for me a few months ago ..

now it's time to catch up on what i didn't study over the weekend (:

oh and before i forget, the U2 concert was freaking awesome!!!
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Monday, November 7th, 2005

Time:4:20 pm.
he surprised me with tickets to see our favorite band .. U2!!!

as if taking me to see the Dalai Lama last weekend wasn't enough ..

<3 <3 <3
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Friday, September 9th, 2005

Time:9:28 pm.
do you know what i miss?

comradery .. true comradery ...

the kind where you can look someone in the eye and nod ... and just know "i will do anything for this person, and this person will do anything for me" ..

what ever happened to that? people have become too comfortable with self-preservation and selfishness ..
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Time:10:44 am.
so we're learning about child sexuality in school .. i'm a little confused .. they say we should get a sexual history (or at least answer questions about sexuality) on children because they are also sexual beings .. meaning children begin exploring themselves, masturbating, and orgasming (although this isn't equivalent to ejaculating?) and will have questions on these activities ... and all of this is normal .. except infantile masturbation (am i right, jen?)

so, given that i'm completely abnormal and never explored myself or did any related things as a child, i'd really like to learn more about other people's experiences .. i want to be more familiar with this because i feel completely clueless ... please help!
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Thursday, September 8th, 2005

Subject:feels so good to get good news
Time:3:28 pm.
i am now a legal resident of the crazy state of California .. bye bye Tejas, nice to know ya ..

i was so afraid i wouldn't be reclassified! i was almost positive i wouldn't! finally, my unlucky streak is slowly coming to a halt .. not only do i get to finally enjoy paying in-state tuition (so much that i don't even mind this year's raise in fees), i just found out i was awarded a 10K scholarship .. even the people in the financial aid office were like "wtf! you're lucky .. no one gets good news from financial aid" ..

back to work now .. research report due tomorrow!
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Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

Time:5:56 pm.
why do women have the need to feel special and men don't?
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Monday, August 29th, 2005

Time:4:09 pm.
it's past the point of feeling hurt.

it's at the point of feeling disgust.


anyway, what a way to kick off the new school year by being the only person to miss the first class! woowhee!!!

i picked my little sib today .. 2nd years pick a 1st year to babysit pretty much ... i picked a vietnamese guy (vietnamese med students at UCSF are rare .. so go him!) .. he seems lazy which is just perfect! we're gonna get along GREAT!
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Sunday, August 21st, 2005

Subject:hello moto
Time:10:35 pm.
japan is crazy, man. i love it, but it's crazy.
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LiveJournal for mentoz.

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